We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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