I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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