I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
