I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
