The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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