A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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