I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
