Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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