Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
