Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
this just has baby written all over it
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
