I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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