I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
