someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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