Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
