My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
