I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
