It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
