OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I pour the whiskey from now on
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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