so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
