I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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