I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
