i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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