I just pynch a tree in the face
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
