i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
