11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
