Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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