I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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