I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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