I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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