Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the condom got lost in my hair
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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