I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
