Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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