I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
