its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
