The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
ok first of all what the fuck
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
