I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I want to fling myself into the sun
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Drunk is a universal language darling
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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