is your mom at the bar?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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