Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
