this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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