I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
