Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
