I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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