i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
there is puke in my bra ... again
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
