his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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