today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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