dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
