apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
