I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
