I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I want a musical about memes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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