Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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