Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
